Chapter 27

Valerie had finished nearly all of her oatmeal, and a second cup of black diner coffee, but she couldn’t handle another bite of the now-cold porridge. Lucca flagged down their server, and a few minutes later she dropped off the check.

“Fifty-fifty?” Lucca suggested, pulling out a card and dropping it on the little plastic tray with the receipt.

Valerie reached for her purse reflexively, before realizing she’d brought no purse. That she had no purse. That she had nothing to put in a purse. She felt ashamed, even given the context of the situation. Her cheeks burned with it.

“I don’t..” She sort of gestured vaguely, unsure how to point to the absence of any wallet, phone, or way to pay. “I don’t… have.. money.”

Lucca had the grace to look embarrassed, at least.

“Of course, yeah.. forget I asked.. it’s just habit.”

“Sorry, I.. I’ll pay you back.” She looked sheepish, and embarrassed. “Eventually..”

“It’s oatmeal and a cup of coffee; let’s call it my treat.”

“Thank you,” she replied softly.

Lucca gave her a strange, indecipherable look. She felt on the verge of tears over the cost of a breakfast, and immensely frustrated at herself for that fact. She hated feeling like she was taking from someone else, and she felt like a failure.

“You said your situation was hard, before.”

The diner’s door jingled behind them as they made their way back to Lucca’s car.

“I just.. the debts just kept getting bigger and..”

“You had a tech job, though, right?” Lucca’s voice had the slightest edge of accusation.

“It… yeah. I was hired straight out of college.”

Valerie settled into the passenger seat, clicking the seat belt around her. She only barely winced from the pain in her back, this time.

“I liked the work. I was good at it.”

She missed the work, if not the job.

“Tech jobs pay good money.”

Valerie’s hands twisted into knots in her lap as she stared out the passenger-side window.

“They said, you know.. the pay isn’t as much as a big company, but it’s a startup, right? They’d give me stock and that would make up for it, eventually… But unvested stock doesn’t pay student loans, and.. and Heather never found work.” Never looked, she didn’t say. “And she had loans, too. And rent, and then she left, and I had to move.”

“It’s a lottery, startups. A slot machine. The recruiters don’t really tell you that part,” Lucca said, with a bitterness that belied their own experience with the situation.

“I was never very good at gambling,” Valerie agreed, quietly.

They drove in silence for a few more minutes. Lucca did not seem interested in volunteering any of her story, and Valerie still felt too intimidated to ask directly.

“How did you get into kink?” Lucca asked, eventually, glancing aside quickly before returning their eyes to the road.

“I… didn’t, really, before Dana.”

“Kind of jumping into the deep end, aren’t you?”

“I, uhm..” Valerie blushed, despite herself; it felt like an ironic reaction, given the situation. “I read a lot, you know.. stories?”

Lucca was quiet for a few moments.

“Is it like the stories?” They asked the question like they already knew the answer.

“No,” Valerie admitted. “It’s.. they never have to pee in the stories. Unless, you know..”

Lucca laughed.

“With Dana, though…” Valerie continued, “In a lot of ways.. yes? She’s.. insatiable isn’t the right word, you know, we have cozy days too..”

Valerie rubbed the side of her neck, searching for the right way to capture what it was about Dana that hooked so deeply into her.

“She knows what she wants..” Lucca offered, eventually. Yes, that’s part of it.

“..and she’ll ask for it. Demand it.” Valerie swallowed, feeling the slight constriction of her collar, as she did so. “Or take it.”

Valerie stared out the window for a while longer. If Dana wasn’t willing to take what she wanted… but Valerie couldn’t finish the thought, not least because one of the corollaries was I wouldn’t be in this situation, and the conclusions that lead to, for her, were much worse.

She dropped that line of reasoning and looked back over to Lucca.

“What about you?”

“Oh..” Lucca seemed surprised to be asked. “It’s been a long time, you know.. Who even remembers? Club nights, Folsom, parties…”

“Did you and Dana…” She wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted to ask.

Lucca took a moment before responding; Valerie thought they were considering whether or not to answer the question.

“We do… we did. Yeah. Sometimes.”

“Who.. uhm… which of you…?”

“She likes to let go, sometimes.”

Valerie sat silently for a few minutes. She finally thought she’d figured out the missing piece of the enby’s unpredictable behavior, their apparent mood swings. She watched Lucca closely as she spoke.

“You love her.”

It wasn’t a question, but Lucca could have denied it. They gripped the steering wheel tightly, the muscles at the corner of their jaw flexing subtly. They didn’t respond, and Valerie took that for agreement.

“Is that why you were so angry at me?”

Lucca flared a nostril, tilted their head like they were going to speak; refute the premise, Valerie thought, the idea tinged with sadness; go on…

Lucca didn’t say anything, after all; and Valerie nodded.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t do that,” Lucca’s voice was quiet, exhausted, and angry in a way that indicted the entire world.

They rode in silence for a few more minutes.

“Did you have fun, yesterday?” Valerie asked softly.

She meant the question honestly, and tried to let the earnestness she felt come out in her voice.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Valerie, I.. that doesn’t matter.”

“It’s not a trick question or something, I want to know.”

Lucca sighed, and took so long to respond that Valerie began to think they were simply not going to.

“I.. did. Yes.” They sounded guilty.

“Me too,” Valerie replied.

Lucca looked surprised.

“I.. what?”

“The.. whip was too much for me, at the end. I mean..” She shrugged, and winced as that tweaked the very injuries she was talking about. “Not.. too too much. You know. But at first…”

She bit her lip, blushing as she looked out the window.

Lucca shook their head, seeming nonplussed.

“Girl, you need therapy.”

Valerie shrugged again, and settled back carefully into the car seat.

“Sure, but who can afford therapy? I can’t even afford breakfast.”

She meant it as a joke, but she knew it would’ve been just as true before she moved in with Dana. A fast food burger instead of instant ramen had been a luxury. Her lunch almost every day had been whatever free snacks her office provided.

“I’ll talk to Dana when she gets back.”

“No, I.. I didn’t mean it like that..” Valerie wasn’t sure why the thought of Dana learning about it from Lucca filled her with a sense of panic.

“Don’t worry about it. Dana cares about you; I don’t know why.” A fleeting grimace crossed Lucca’s face. “She doesn’t always pick up on things with people, but she’ll find you someone to talk to.”

“I was— it was a joke..” she cross her arms across her chest, not quite hugging herself.

Lucca gave her a look that pretty clearly telegraphed you know it wasn’t, and she couldn’t bring herself to disagree more strenuously.

“Look, anyway, I.. I wanted to say you could, uhm.. Since you had fun.. you can keep going, if you want. Like yesterday.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “I.. won’t ask you not to try and break me. If.. if that’s what you want to do.”

Lucca didn’t answer, and fiery tendrils of embarrassment and rejection began to climb up Valerie’s back.

“I’m sorry, never mind.. I’m sorry… Sorry, just forget—”

“Why?” Lucca interrupted her. “You want me to dom you? Break you? Why?”

“I.. I just.. it’s fun. It’s… it’s what I’m for. What I’m here for.”

“It’s fun? Don’t get you get enough from Dana?”

“It’s different.” Valerie chewed on her lower lip, trying to find the words to explain. “She doesn’t push me.. like you did. I need that. I want to know— I need to know how much I can take.” Her voice was soft, but certain.

Lucca was silent, ostensibly focusing on the road.

“Please?” Valerie asked, again; a hint of pleading, if not desperation, sneaking in to her voice.

Minutes passed as Lucca steered them back up the twisting roads. Eventually, they spoke again.

“Why?” they asked quietly.

“If…” Valerie struggled to drag the reasons out of the shadows of her mind. “If I’m strong enough..”

“You won’t get hurt again?”

Valerie stared out the window, hating the single tear that rolled down her cheek. She shook her head.

“I’ll get hurt again,” she disagreed, quietly. “But if I’m strong enough, I’ll survive. I won’t have to be so scared.”

“And if you’re not?”

“Then.. what’s the point of me? I might as well just go back to my parents, let them make me be who they want me to be. Or let Dana do that. Or just…”

Or just die. She gestured vaguely. She couldn’t bring herself to voice that last option.

Lucca didn’t respond, and Valerie didn’t say anything further. They pulled through the gate to Dana’s property, and Lucca parked the car, motioned for Valerie to get out, and climbed out, themselves.

Lucca stopped in front of the front door to the house; the same place where Dana had told Valerie that she had rescued her cat, Sammy. They turned to face Valerie.

“Your contract, whatever you have with Dana, that’s not me.” Lucca towered over Valerie, even from an arm’s length away. Their tone was serious.

“I know,” Valerie spoke softly.

“You’re not property, Valerie. You’re a person. However you and Dana choose to play,” Lucca stressed that word; though Valerie rarely thought it felt like ‘play’, “that’s between the two of you.”

Valerie just nodded, unsure where Lucca was heading; but she stayed silent, letting them find their own path there.

“You and I will have safe words, and limits, and boundaries.”

Valerie bit her lower lip, slanting her gaze away from Lucca; she felt chastened, Lucca’s displeasure at her arrangement with Dana made very clear. Lucca reached out, and Valerie flinched, reflexively, remembering the slap from the day before.

Lucca only placed their hand on the side of her face, however, and turned it back towards them; gently, for all their size and strength.

“Do you understand, pet?”

Valerie flushed, drawing breath in sharply in a way that wasn’t quite a gasp; and nodded.

“Yes, Mx.”