Chapter 40

A week slipped by with Valerie scarcely realizing; with little discussion, Dana returned to what passed for normal routine. Valerie’s newly complicated feelings about the situation did not precisely fade, but they mingled with the day-to-day mix of boredom, frustrated arousal, pain, and pleasure.

One morning, instead of the usual latex and leather that awaited her after showering, there was a clean, folded t-shirt and a blue, white, and pink stuffed shark. She donned the t-shirt— there was nothing else— and gasped softly as the relatively rough material brushed against her still-healing nipples.

“Mistress—?” she found Dana in the kitchen, eating a small breakfast while she worked on a crossword puzzle.

Dana smiled up at her, and Valerie felt a tickle of warmth, tempered with anxiety.

“Your first session is in a few minutes, in my office. You may use the computer there— for this, and nothing else. Go on, now.”

Valerie’s therapist was a woman in her fifties, with wavy salt and pepper hair tied back into a ponytail. She had intricate and abstract black tattoos on her arms and upper chest. Valerie supposed that the tattoos continued elsewhere, but the video call offered only a narrow perspective.

“Hi, I’m Kim. I use she/her pronouns. It’s nice to meet you…?”

“Hi— hi, Kim.”

“Valerie, right?”

“Oh— yes. Yeah. Uhm, I also use she/her.”

“It’s okay to be nervous, meeting a new therapist for the first time is always a little awkward,” Kim reassured her; the woman’s voice was calm and practiced.

Valerie nodded, and offered a faint smile. Nervous understated the situation. Her heart was thundering in her chest, and she wanted to slam the laptop lid closed and run. She glanced up at the closed office door— Dana had given her a kiss on the forehead and promised her she would have privacy for the session.

This was the first time she had sat at the desk in Dana’s office. The t-shirt was a cute graphic tee she had bought years ago; it reminded her of simple optimism, not long after she started transition. It was baggier than she remembered, and it was strange to wear, especially with nothing other than her ever-present collar.

“Today,” Kim continued, after an awkward pause where Valerie wondered if she was expected to say something, “We’re just going to get to know each other a little bit, and talk broadly about what brought you here. Does that sound okay?”

Valerie nodded again, and for some reason her sense of panic ratcheted up a notch.

“Yeah… yeah. That sounds good.”

“On your intake form, you listed that you were unemployed, and you live with your…” Kim paused, and Valerie could hear the woman flip a couple pages in a notebook before continuing, “…with Dana?”

Valerie blinked in surprise; Dana had filled out the intake form, not her. She did not know what questions it had asked, much less what answers Dana had given. She twisted her hands nervously in her lap, unsure how to respond.

“Sorry, is that not right?” Kim’s concern sounded genuine. “I hope I didn’t mix—”

“It’s right.” Valerie’s voice was steadier than she expected.

“Okay, okay. You just seemed surprised..”

“I.. uhm.. I didn’t fill out the intake. Mistr— uhm .. Dana did. I didn’t think she was going to…” She trailed off, unsure how to put the idea into words.

“That’s okay, sweetie. Why don’t we start over and do it together? I’d really like to have your answers, not Dana’s.”

Valerie nodded, chewing on her lower lip. They started talking through the intake questionnaire, which ran to several pages. Much of it was unremarkable, background information about her physical health, substance use, and screener questions for depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

“Are you currently in a romantic relationship?”

Valerie’s brain stuttered to a halt.

“I…”

Kim blinked owlishly at her, and tilted her head to the side.

“Valerie?” The woman’s tone was gentle.

“I don’t know.”

“You.. don’t know?” Kim seemed caught off guard by the answer, though she recovered quickly. “Tell me more about that?”

The sense of panic started to rise in Valerie’s chest again. She wasn’t sure what Dana had put down on the intake, and she didn’t know how to start explaining. She was afraid of how this woman, with her kind eyes, would response.

She heard the sound of rustling pages again as Kim flipped through her notebook.

“Dana listed on the intake that you’re in a 24/7 D/s relationship; does that sound right?”

Kim’s tone was perfectly neutral and nonjudgmental, just as though this was an incredibly normal and natural kind of relationship for a person to be in. Valerie’s complete surprise at the description refocused her on the moment.

“I.. uhm… yeah.” A flush of embarrassment— or perhaps shame— turned her face pink as she confirmed it.

“I’m not here to judge, and I’m acquainted with the scene and dynamics like this. My only job here is to help you.”

Valerie nodded, though she felt skeptical of the reassurance. She was sure Kim had experience with normal kink relationships, and equally sure that hers was far from the norm.

“Let’s put a pin in that for now and move on, okay?”

“That.. sounds good.” Valerie was happy and relieved to avoid delving too deeply into that subject; but her relief was short lived as Kim asked the next question.

“Have you experienced any recent major life changes or stressful events?”

The only response Valerie could provide was nervous, awkward laughter; which rapidly degraded into open sobbing. Kim looked dismayed, on the other side of the video call.

“Valerie?” Kim’s voice was gentle. “Hey, hey… Take a deep breath. Valerie?”

Valerie recovered her composure enough to register Kim’s words; and Kim walked her through a sensory grounding exercise. She was steady enough by the end of the exercise that she was no longer sobbing, even if her chest and shoulders still felt tight and tense, and her breathing was uneven and shuddering.

She slowly started explaining some of the recent events, beginning with the last fight and breakup with Heather. How long has it been now? Eight months? Nine? It felt like both a lifetime ago and just last week, simultaneously.

She ran out of time before reaching the point of her first meeting with Dana.

She did not know how she would talk about that first encounter with Dana— she was unsure, but worried that it would be something Kim would have to report. She did not want to see Dana arrested.

“Does this sound like a good stopping point for today? We have a few minutes left and I’d like to teach you a simple breathing exercise that can help with some of the anxiety you’re feeling…”

Valerie opened the office door, halfway expecting Dana to be crouched with her ear pressed against it— not that she could really imagine the woman doing anything quite so slapstick. Dana was not eavesdropping, in any case; Valerie heard the sound of a coffee grinder from the kitchen, and tracked it upstairs toward the promise of coffee.

Dana was halfway through the elaborate process her espresso set-up required when Valerie settled herself on one of the tall kitchen stools.

“I thought you were about done and might want a coffee,” Dana said, facing away from Valerie as she worked at steaming a small pitcher of oat milk. “How did it go?”

“It was… a lot,” Valerie replied, after thinking for a moment. “Not bad,” she hastened to add. “Kim is very nice.”

Dana nodded, pushing a finished cappuccino across the counter toward Valerie, who accepted it gratefully.

“You’ve never had any therapy before, right?”

“There was a counselor at my chu— my parents’ church. My parents had me meet with him a few times but it didn’t really seem to help anything. I always felt worse, after… Guilty, scared, and ashamed.”

“And now?”

“I.. don’t know. Not worse, anyway?” She paused. “Maybe worse..”

Valerie sipped the coffee. It was excellent— it always was. She had tried to use the espresso machine once before, when Dana had been away for a couple days. She had broken down crying when she somehow managed to both burn herself on steam and hot metal as well as scatter coffee grounds across half the surfaces in the kitchen. It had taken her three hours to clean everything up; luckily the burn had been minor.

“Healing is often not linear. Sometimes it takes reopening old wounds so that they can heal properly.”

Valerie was unsure how to respond; she nodded silently, and sipped more of the coffee. Dana made a second cappuccino for herself, while Valerie watched quietly.

“Can I… ask you a question?” Valerie was fully aware of the irony in her wording.

“Yes,” Dana replied simply, with only a small smirk and an eyebrow twitch.

“Can you teach me to use the espresso machine?”

Dana smiled softly, and Valerie tried to return it, despite how emotionally drained she felt from the session. The woman seemed surprised and perplexed by the question, perhaps expecting something more topical to therapy and healing.

“Of course,” she said, eventually. “I would enjoy that.”

“I don’t… know how to talk to her about us,” Valerie said.

She blinked for a moment, realizing that she may have left out a little context. Her mind was not well-organized that morning.

“To Kim, I mean. About our.. our relationship. About the.. uhm.. about how..”

Calling it a kidnapping or abduction to Dana’s face seemed out of line. She sipped more of the coffee to cover her uncertainty.

“About how we met?” Dana prompted.

Valerie gave a small, nervous laugh; the phrasing seemed quiet euphemistic, but she supposed, at least, that Dana know what she was getting at.

“About how we met,” she agreed.

“Tell the truth,” Dana replied simply.

“What if you get in trouble?”

“That’s very unlikely, but.. I knew the risks when I made my choice.”

“I don’t.. want that to happen.”

Dana gave her a small, slightly sad smile. It was Valerie’s turn to wrinkle her brow in confusion at the non-response.

“Come here,” Dana said. “I’ll teach you how to pull a shot.”